He Said She Said

Who is the drunk babysitter in the relationship?

HE:
This is not a question about gender; don’t be fooled by that. The issue of having to babysit lies in the personality of the intoxicated person, and they are separated into categories.
First there is the Weeper, who bawls their eyes out in every situation. They could drop their hot dog on the ground and scream to the sky about how much they miss it with tears streaming down their face. The only thing to do is buy them another hot dog. Or four.
The Fighter and the Jerk go hand in hand. There was a Fighter/Jerk drunk near me once at a party and somebody double-dipped into a bowl of guacamole. Long story short, fists were thrown and the guac was ruined. It took us days to make that guacamole.
The Lover is the type of drunk that does not stop, no matter what, with the cheek kissing and butt-grabbing, even in front of your parents or your boss. The lover loves love, and the alcohol makes them love too much.
There is also the prolific Anti-Gravity Person (AGP). The alcohol in their system has shut down their motor cortex. They will drop things, fall over, run into walls, break the priceless vases which everybody has in their dorms and be a general danger to themselves and others.
Last but not least by any means is the Vommer. The Vommer is a hybrid of the Weeper, who will cry and apologize constantly, as well as projectile vomit everywhere. The Vommer will vomit on you, on your couch and most likely on any pet that doesn’t move fast enough. Your entire night will be spent gently but firmly thrusting bread down their throat.
Everybody has their category, and who babysits is beside the point. Just be wary of their personality before popping the cork.

SHE:
One does not typically think of a long night of heavy drinking when girls’ night out is brought up. So, why is it that when men get together for a night out they are more likely to drink and ultimately wind up being babysat by their significant other?
Granted, when a woman gets drunk she has to be taken care of by her boyfriend, but my overall point is that men get hammered more often.
I am sure there is some random statistic out there in data land that proves this. I guarantee you, if you really pay attention to who is helping whom upstairs to the bathroom after a party, it is probably the girlfriend that is helping her man.
Well, you might be wondering “what about those stereotypical drunk girls you see on the sidewalk being loud and belligerent toward everything?” Those girls do not count. Nine times out of 10 they are single, which is why they are able to be that drunk in the first place.
When in a relationship, it is the guy who usually gets drunk with his friends more often than his girlfriend. Do I think that gender roles and biases play a huge role in this? Yes. Am I going to get deeper into that topic right now? No. That is a topic for another time. However, I will say this: in a relationship, a female is bound to babysit her significant other more times out of the year.
Why is this? Because it is more socially acceptable and normal for a man to be intoxicated than it is for a female. This double standard is well understood by both sexes, females in relationships do not get drunk as often as their male counterparts for the sake of their image. If it were up to me, people in relationships would stay in and get drunk together.

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